Bloody typical. After squeezing two entries’ worth of platypus jokes out of my DSL provider’s perceived incompetence, it turns out I may have invited the platypus in myself.

This is how it fell out: while surfing the net on Monday, I noticed that pages were loading more sluggishly than I’d come to expect from my high-speed connection. I’m geekishly oriented, but not particularly computer-savvy; I know the names of things, but other than that, after you turn it on, it all gets technical. So there was more than an element of superstition in the fact that I decided to turn off my modem when I turned off my computer and went in to work. Pagans knocked on wood to summon the spirits of the dryads within; I turned off my modem so the little engine inside would cool down. Same basic principle, ie. I have no freaking idea what’s inside that little black box and am striking out at random to mollify the gods.

I come back from work around midnight, turn on my computer and try to log onto the net. The computer informs me that it’s trying to connect to the server. It seems to be taking quite a while, and then I remember that the modem is turned off, so I turn it back on again. While the computer is still on and trying to access it. Ever since then, the little green light that’s supposed to indicate I have an active DSL connection has been out.

This is narrative, so naturally it looks as though there’s a connection between those two events. There may be, there may not be, I don’t know; it’s all dryads and wombats in there. Anyway, when I noticed that my connection was not being, as it were, greenlit, I juggled wires, logged on via dial-up, and found out, via the Network Status page, that certain max.inter.net customers were having difficulty connecting to the server. Since I was having difficulty connecting to the server, I assumed that the two were connected, and I gave up trying and sat back to wait for them to fix the problem.

Six days and two platypus jokes later, I finally called up their toll-free number and asked what kind of progress they were making. I was told that the problem had been resolved. So I went back to check my modem, and look, no green light, no server connection. I called back, and we went through the basic troubleshooting procedures. I’ve worked in customer service myself, and I know what kind of calls these people tend to get, so I took no offence when I was asked to check whether the modem was plugged in.

What it boils down to is: the problem lies either with my phone line or my modem. My provider is checking with Bell to rule out the former; I’m hoping the problem does lie with them. When my DSL line was activated, it knocked out my regular phone service, so I had no dial tone coming through the phone lines — and yes, I’d installed phone filters everywhere I was supposed to. I eventually reported it and got it sorted out with no hassle, although it took me a while to report it, as I wanted to play around with my new DSL service for a while and was afraid that they’d knock that out while “fixing” my phone line. They didn’t — not at the time, anyway. Quite possibly they now have.

But I’m not going to start heaping blame on them, because I started heaping blame on my DSL provider, and look, no platypus. It’s quite possible, as far as I know, that because I turned on my modem while the computer was trying to access it instead of turning off the computer first, that this fried the little engine inside and allowed the dryad to escape; which means my provider is going to have to mail me a new one (modem, not dryad — presumably); which will take time; which means more time stuck with a dial-up connection; which, in comparison, really does just crawl along like a snail over salt.

And if it’s my fault because I turned on the modem at the wrong time… well, what the fuck, why in the name of bright green granny smith apples is it possible to break this thing so easily? What next, my DVD player starts skipping because I look at it funny? Dammit, we build skyscrapers, we’ve gone to the Moon, why the hell do we have to put up with this crap from the Second Law of Thermodynamics just because CEOs get to rake in more profit by having their goods slapped together in Taiwan? (Not a gratuitous slur. My modem was made in Taiwan. It says so on the back. I checked.)

I’m going to end up having to pay for breaking the modem, aren’t I.

Feh.

You know, I like that catchphrase. I think people should use it in regular conversation. Everyone who’s reading this: next time you blame someone else for something only to find out later that it was actually your fault, tell them you invited the platypus. Let’s start a meme.