A couple of weeks ago, an e-mail appeared on the office intranet asking for volunteers to play a Romulan in a Citytv promo. I’m not a big Star Trek fan myself (although the local Doctor Who fan club recently forbade me from participating in any future trivia contests at their conventions, but that’s another story). However, I do know my way around the Trekverse, and what the hey, it sounded like fun.
I replied to the e-mail, and the promo guy, Darryl, asked me to show up for an audition the next day at 3:00, in the orientation room just off the main lobby. I arrived about five minutes early and didn’t see anyone there, so I waited in the lobby for him to show up. At 3:10, I gave him a call to see where he was, and found out what I really should have known already: the orientation room has two doors, so I’d missed him and he’d offered the role to Donn from shipping. Nevertheless, he agreed to see me anyway once I tracked him down, and after calling Donn to explain the situation, he ran me through a few lines and took a photo to send to his makeup guy. He thanked me for my time, and I thanked him for his and went off to work.
Of course, I’d effectively arrived late for the audition and he’d already offered the part to someone else, and the other guy had a shaved head, so it would be easier for him to wear the required wig and makeup. So I knew that I wasn’t going to get the part, but what the hell, at least I’d tried.
An hour and a half later he called me to let me know I had the part.
Darryl asked me to wear black pants, and unfortunately I didn’t own any, so I popped over to the second-hand clothing store across the street and picked up a cheap pair with a 40-inch waist. (At least, they said that they had a 40-inch waist, but I had to squeeze into them, so either the waist is smaller than they said it was or it isn’t, which is much more depressing.) The rest of the costume was mocked up from what was available at Malabar Costume Rentals across the street, so I ended up wearing a medieval knight’s vest and an Elvis Presley cape. I told everyone who asked that I was a Romulan who could only move two steps forward and one to the side.
I showed up just after noon the next day for the makeup session, having cleverly prepared myself by getting only four hours’ sleep the night before so I could doze through it. The session was done in the Bravo! channel’s dressing room; every so often, people would pop in to use the restroom and do a double-take. The makeup guy did a terrific job and was very nice to talk to, and I’d like to give his name here, but I’ve forgotten it, and he hasn’t yet sent me the digital photos I asked him for, so never mind. (Update: He has now.)
Once I was fully made up and in costume, I set off for the orientation room, where Darryl was handing out the scripts. Jon Llyr, one of the Space channel’s on-air personalities, popped down to have a look, and I waved at him, gestured at my makeup and said, “Jeez, you answer one e-mail…” (What I should have said: “See, this is why we need more Doctor Who publicity— you open the lid, you get in, you close the lid, ‘Exterminate!’ Ten seconds.”)
The idea was for Larysa Harapyn, one of the Star! channel’s on-air personalities, to order a drink at a coffee bar, only to find that there was a Romulan behind the counter. When she placed her order, I was to repeat it to the barrista: “Half-caf double-decaffeinated half-caf,” an homage to a line from the movie L.A. Story. I practiced the line a few times to make sure I could say it without tripping over my tongue, and then, because I recognised the source, added, “With a twist of lemon!”
Darryl looked rather disappointed. “Oh, was it too obvious?”
“What? No, no, it wasn’t.”
“I didn’t want it to be too obvious. We can change it if it’s too obvious.”
“No, that’s— really, that’s okay. I just know a lot of crap from all over the place. It’s not too obvious.”
Darryl seemed satisfied with that, and then Larysa came into the room and he handed the script to her. “Here you go. What you do is, you beam into the Second Cup and say, ‘Captain, happy to report we are Romulan-free,’ and then you turn to the guy behind the counter and you say, ‘Half-caf double-decaffeinated half-caf.’”
“Oh, right,” said Larysa, “from L.A. Story.”
We walked over to the Second Cup on the corner, and Darryl set up the shots quickly and efficiently, trying to get everything in the can without disturbing the clientele. I stood behind the counter and only had to move out of the way of the servers once when they needed to get some flavoured somethings out of the dispenser on my right. The barrista grinned at me and asked, “Do you want to make the next one?”
“Tell me of these things you Humans call ‘cinnamon sticks,’” I said.
It’s been a while since I’ve been in front of the camera, but this seemed like a typical shoot, except that it went by much more quickly. The cameraman took several shots from different angles, some repeated due to fluffed lines, some repeated to give the editor a choice of shots to work with (“That was perfect! Let’s do it again.”) Everyone seemed to have fun. Donn was there, too, playing the role of Man in Line-up, and he very kindly told me that Darryl had picked the right man to play an alien from outer space.
When we were finished, we all trooped back to the Citytv building for some greenscreen work. I hung around for a while until we were sure I wouldn’t be needed, and then returned to the dressing room, where the makeup guy did an equally excellent, if much shorter, job in removing the makeup. I spent another ten minutes or so scrubbing bits of latex and hairspray away from my face, and set off back to work. It was a lot of fun and I’d gladly do it again.
And here, about two weeks later, are the fruits of Darryl’s labours. The video file is about 6 MB, so it’s probably best to right-click, save it and watch it in the privacy of your own hard drive. Watching my performance, I’m filled with a glowing sense of Dammit, that waistline probably is 40 inches after all. Seriously, if the camera adds ten pounds, what, where were the other four cameras?
You totally win at life.