Things I Probably Shouldn't Tell My Niece If She Asks

• Uncle Cameron? What’s Heaven?

Heaven? Heaven is where when you cut yourself, it doesn’t hurt, and you bleed chocolate syrup. The bicycle paths all pass through Happy Bunny Land, and the rabbits smile and wave at you as you cycle past. In the town square there’s a giant statue of Jimi Hendrix that’s been made out of brussels sprouts so that nobody will eat it, because in Heaven, you don’t have to eat your brussels sprouts. You like brussels sprouts? Then just for you, it’s made out of boiled prawns, because that’s what they do in Heaven, where the streets are paved with voluntarily surrendered ostrich feathers and there are lacrosse games around the clock.

• Uncle Cameron? What’s Hell?

That’s where you go before you die.