"Ssh-- ssh ssh ssh-- he's waking up."

"Huh... buh... wha? What's going on? Who are you?"

"Ssh! Hey, dude. Are you... Don Andreychuk?"

"Uh, what? Who are you?"

"Dave, um, I've got some bad news for you, dude. You... have cancer."

"What?!"

"Yeah. It's, um, yeah, terminal cancer. Bone cancer."

"What?! Who the hell are you? What is this?!"

"See, your doctor didn't know how to break it to you gently, so he sent us to your house. Yeah. You've got terminal bone cancer, dude."

"What?! What?! Oh my [BLEEP] god!"

"Yeah, we figured you'd be pissed. See, we were talking on the way over about how to do this, and Jimmy here tried to come up with a little song about it but he couldn't work out what a dancer would be doing here and then he ran out of rhymes, so, you know, we figured just rip that Band-Aid right off, right?"

"[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]"

"And, yeah, your insurance doesn't cover it. Hey, wait, Prancer, that's one of Santa's reindeers, isn't it?"

"Mother-[BLEEP]"

"Oh, wait-- I think he's crying. Is he crying? Um... Jimmy, get in there with the-- are those tears? Yes! We have tears! And that's... 27 seconds! Yes! Danny Andreychuk, you've just broken the record on... It's A Crying Shame!"

"What?! Oh my god! You're Johnny Knoxville!"

"Yes I am! And you have won-- wait for it-- you have won this episode's grand prize of 10,000 American dollars!"

"Holy [BLEEP] [BLEEP]! Dude, your show [BLEEP] rocks! Damn, I watch it all the time!"

"Thanks for that, Darcy!"

"Dude! I'm on TV!"

"Seriously, though, you've got cancer."